Have you ever had a moment where you know God has spoken to you and you instantly have peace?
You completely feel Him calming you and unfolding His plan for you.
I've always heard of these moments, and felt it might never happen for me...but this summer it did.
Let me back up a bit before I get ahead of myself and catch you up on this past year.
It has been 6 years of my husband, Dan, and I trying to conceive. We have suffered two heart-breaking losses. I have been to so many regular doctors appointments to hear them say nothing was wrong except hormonal issues and a slight case of P.C.O.S. But with it being almost 2.5 years since I lost our second baby, Dan & I agreed it was time to see a specialist.
We met the wonderful staff, nurses, & doctors at Overlake Reproductive Health and began their process of finding out what was happening in my body. After our first appointment, we thought, 'Why didn't we do this a long time ago'? They were so knowledgeable, and this was their specialty! They found so many answers we were looking for within just the first month.
After all of the testing and procedures, we sat down with the Doctor for a meeting. He told us he didn't have great news. My right fallopian tube was blocked from my last ectopic pregnancy and my left tube had blockage as well. He told us a pregnancy and birth weren't impossible, but it would help to do IVF so we could skip the process of another baby getting blocked in my tubes.
We sat there quietly as the doctor spoke. We finished and went back to the car.
I wasn't really shocked, we obviously knew that something was wrong. Dan took my hand and asked how I was, and I remember, with tears streaming down my face, I said I was relieved. No more wondering what is going on in my body, no more doctors saying, "we don't see anything". We finally got our answers. Dan agreed, he felt the same way.
We made an appointment to discuss and decide if IVF was the right option for us. We learned the process & procedures, we discussed finances, and every aspect of IVF. After talking over everything, Dan and I both walked out of there once again with peace and the same answer. It wasn't for us.
All of these appointments took place in early spring of this year. I remember the December before this, we were at a cross roads, wondering what do you want for us, God? We want to do Your will and we are willing, we just need some answers. We prayed this so many times! We were confused and needed direction.
I remember us saying if I'm not pregnant by this certain time, we will take a different route....adoption.
It was always in the back of our minds. Dan and I had lightly discussed it many times. We had even gone to a class at the beginning of the year, but it seemed so complicated and we didn't get the information we were looking for. Then we decided to see the specialist in the spring and then if we didn't get good news, we would visit adoption again...
To be honest, in the back of my mind, I KNEW God has been dealing with me. I talked openly to family and close friends about it. I said, 'If God opens a door I will gladly adopt'. I could love any child. Everyone knows that Dan and I love kids so much, and many people would tell us we were the perfect couple to adopt.
But on the other side, I was so scared. Scared of things being complicated, the uncertainties, loss again, and the fears go on.
This summer I went on a long trip to California. I went to a wedding with my family, stayed with my grandparents, took a trip with my aunts, and ended the trip with a wonderful family reunion with my Hall family. I was gone for a month in Sunny California, and my husband joined me for a week! During this time I had received an email from Focus on the Family. I normally don't open the stuff they send, but I happened to see that it said "Two free tickets for you and your spouse to attend an adoption conference." I talked it over with Dan and signed us up. It was for the week after we got back from California. We both agreed to enjoy our summer and then think about this.
As I look back, I know this trip was designed by God. I had a lot of time to think and pray. I attended church with my sister-n-law Nadine and sat there with tears streaming down my face (a bit embarrassed because I wasn't in my home church) knowing that the message was for me and that God was speaking to me. Not answering by the exact words, but comforting me and reassuring me that He has a plan and it might not be easy, but trust Him and follow Him.
I had long talks with my Aunts and my Grandma about the future steps we were thinking of taking. We also had a wonderful time with my Hall family and did get a chance to talk with them about it, too.
The next Saturday, after we got home, we left our house feeling nervous, wondering how the day would go. We weren't sure what to expect or how things would go.
The seminar was at a beautiful church in Seattle. The program said there would be a worship service to start. We were excited to see that Amy from Selah was leading. She is absolutely one of my favorite singers!
The church begin to fill up and Dan and I couldn't believe how many people had come for this. Many couples of all ages. It felt good knowing that we were surrounded by people who were going through some of the same stuff as we were. From the first worship song I felt the presence of God so strong, I closed my eyes and prayed that today we would get a answer or some clarity on what God wanted from us.
After the songs, they had several speakers. Some from Focus on the Family, a couple women that had been adopted from the foster system, a Dad that spoke to all the men, and one of my favorites, a retired social worker that had worked for the government for 30 years. They told us all of the good and all of the bad things you might experience, but how it can forever change your life and the child's, and much more!
As Dan and I got in the car to leave, we couldn't describe in words how we felt. There was so much to take in and so many emotions.
The next few days went by and we talked about it here and there. We took some time to ourselves to pray and think over everything. I could not believe how much peace we had.
The next week I finally had a chance to sit down and call my mom and sister. I got to re-live and share every moment that had been going on in the last few months and also share the adoption conference. We cried, laughed, and cried some more, as for the first time in a very long time I felt it all coming together.
I cry as I type this because there is such clarity for me now. Now I understand why we had to go through the hard times, and those hard times made us so strong for this path. God was there all along! Memories and moments where I asked why? I don't have those anymore. Moments where I pleaded and begged God for signs and answers, He was telling me just to trust Him and open my eyes to His plan instead of mine.
I'm telling you once you put aside yourself and your plans and follow God, you will have a peace like no other and things will fall into place.
We have so much excitement and faith as we walk into this new door that God has provided for us. We know everything will not just be handed to us. We have already learned of all the paperwork, classes, and time that is involved, but we feel such peace, and we are ready.
I have never been told I cant birth my own children, but for the mean time we feel that God is calling us to adopt.
We couldn't have asked for a better support system. Dan and I both have such loving and wonderful families and friends. We have a wonderful church family that I know will help us in raising this child.
The best part of all of this is knowing that we will get to introduce them to our Wonderful God and Savior and teach them the truth through His Word. I can't think of a better and blessed life to live!
Love, Jess
